I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
