some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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