there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
