He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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