it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize