umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize