No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
