last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
