we're chasing vodka with high fives
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
