I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
