i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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