No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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