I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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