Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
