I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
try to milk me bitch
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