I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize