dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
