Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
