Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
