The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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