You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize