she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
