I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
