So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
