if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
