paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
