I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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