I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
as a side note pls kill me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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