I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize