Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
