did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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