I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
