I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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