i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize