It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
