I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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