I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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