What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Is Oprah even human
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
