I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
