the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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