there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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