I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
