Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
