Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
