I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
