I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
