Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
