there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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