my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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