I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
