So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
