I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
