FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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