omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
