You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
